So this morning I woke up thinking that I couldn’t possibly continue on fooling myself into thinking I was enough for Daddy. I don’t completely understand why it is Daddy likes what he likes or how intense it could get. And honestly I think that is the problem. Instead of being honest with Him I acted as if I understood everything. In reality I do not understand.
I tried talking to Him about my feelings but I couldn’t seem to get them out constructively. So Daddy suggested that I take time to think about everything and call Him back when I was ready to talk to him about it. So I did think about it and I called Him back two hours ago with no answer. To me this is important and needs to be figured out but the longer He goes with not talking to me the more I am going to pull away. Daddy did say he feels as though I do not completely trust him. For me trust needs to be earned and He is asking me to put 100% blind trust in Him. I don’t know that I can do that so soon. I have had a very hard time with trust in the past which I thought He understood that.
As I sit here thinking about exactly what I want to say to Him I am feeling the bond I felt last weekend slip away. A part of me is ok with that and ok with having to move on and part of me does not want to loose Him from my life. It is all very confusing. I guess I am stuck with my thoughts for now.
Ok, so I met Daddy on eHarmony a few weeks ago and last weekend we spent the night together for the first time. It was amazing. There was pain, pleasure, caring and a deep intimacy that I have never felt before. Over the next week I felt a connection that did not seem to weaken. Daddy calls me everyday, asks me how my day was etc. It is exactly what I want. Last night and earlier today Daddy wanted to try some things that turn him on sexually. (Daddy is into BDSM, considers himself a bit of a sadist) I agreed to play his game of pain and pleasure and it was fun and unexpected and I did enjoy it. The pain was intense but today it does not stick out in my mind only the pleasure does. But earlier today it was different. Daddy wanted to try pain threshing. Which is basically seeing how much pain I can actually take. I am not sure when but I lost my shit. I started to panic and sobbed uncontrollably for hours. Daddy was able to calm me down and explained to me that now he understands that I am not at the level he thought I was at. He also said that he wants to help me get to a level that is pleasurable for both of us. In the moment I was reassured and comfortable with starting smaller and lighter. All of a sudden a couple hours ago I got this overwhelming feeling that I would NEVER be where he needed me to be and that maybe this just isn’t for me. I sent him a text expressing my need to talk and he said we could over text because he was with his sister celebrating some good news he received today. I am not comfortable with that so I brushed it off and told him we could talk some other time. I have a very hard time explaining my emotions and it took me all day to figure out that at some point this morning I no longer felt protected or safe. I know that was not His intentions but its the way I feel. He tells me all the time that I am beautiful and that He cares about me deeply. I am 100% willing to submit to HIM. In every relationship the needs of both parties have to be met. How am I supposed to expect my needs be met if I do not even know or understand them myself? Daddy always asks me how I am feeling after we play but for some reason today it was different. How did that make you feel is a common question for Him to ask me. I need to really sit down and think about things. I want to please him to the best of my abilities but are my abilities the best for Him? In a short period of time I have fallen for a caring man who has a few kinks in the bedroom. Now its time to figure out if I can adapt to those kinks as I want him to adapt to my emotional needs, which he has already done more than once but yet I can not seem to do the same for Him. It could be fear or unwillingness to change my hard headed ways. Whatever it is I need to figure it out before I fall for Him any further.